Melancholy

Melancholy.

Mel-an-chol-y.

Noun.

“A feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.”

Adjective.

“ Having a feeling of melancholy; sad or pensive.”

This is how I have been feeling this past week.

A melancholic feeling has overwhelmed me for one reason or the other and I am trying to figure out why.

Is it because I miss my friends back in San Jose so much?

Or maybe I just miss San Jose/San Francisco in general?

Either way, I’ve had this sad, lonely feeling loom over me all week and I do not know how to go through with it other than writing about it.

I guess that is the beauty of blogging, though.

You can write down whenever you’re feeling low or high.

In these past couple of instances I have written down my feelings when I am feeling low and it has helped clear my mind for the most part.

I just have this feeling of being trapped.

Of being let down or let go.

Of being invisible.

Of being nothing.

Where did this come from?

I have no idea, but it’s here sitting on me like a pound of rocks.

This is very common though.

When I first moved up to San Jose I remember feeling very lost and overwhelmed with the change of scenery.

Even though I was surrounded by new friends and fun events, I still missed the city that I grew up in.

As time passed, however, I missed LA less and less and found a new home in San Jose.

I made memories, both good and bad, that shaped who I am today and who I am continuing to become as well.

When I moved back to LA a few months ago, I thought that the adjustment would be fine. I’ve done this a hundred times before, why would this time be any better/worse?

What I am coming to find is that I think I just miss my second home.

I miss being able to go over to Andrew and Angelo’s house when I was having boy troubles.

I miss always going to Merv’s with Matan, even if I wasn’t working with him that night.

I miss being able to roam the streets of San Jose and feel safe and connected to the city.

I miss it so much.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling so melancholy lately.

I miss my second home.

I miss my second family.

I miss how my life was only a few short months ago.

Not to say that I do not love my new life here.

I have made so many new friends, one being a very cute boy who seems to like me just as much as I like him.

I have a fantastic job where everyone at my job is super nice and doting.

I feel like I am complaining about my life here, but I’m not.

It’s just….different.

I know that if I were to move back up to the Bay Area, this melancholy cycle would turn around again.

I am trying to figure out how to go through with all of these whirling emotions, but for now I guess I will just write it out.

This feeling is not fun, but I know I have active tools that can help me get through it in a positive way.

I always thought that the feeling of melancholy would be somewhat poetic.

Instead all I feel is sad and empty.