Honesty

When I made this blog, I solely made it to talk about my love for coffee and coffee shops.

Recently, however, I have been using this platform also as a place where I can freely vent about what is going on in my life with the hopes that someone who may be going through the same things as I see’s what I have to say and gets help/inspiration from it.

Today, I am not writing about a coffee shop or how good my latte was this morning.

Today, I am going to vent about my life and two things that I have always been very scared to freely write about, which are my depression and anxiety.

I believe that at this exact moment in my life, I have to start being more open and honest not just for the people around me but for myself as well.

Let’s start from the very beginning.

My depression and anxiety started when I was very young. I believe I was about ten years old when I started actively seeing a therapist. My mother is a recovered alcoholic who was very verbally abusive when I was growing up. She has been clean for thirteen years now by the grace of a Higher Power, but before she got sober she was, quite literally, a monster.

I vividly remember her calling me stupid and a lazy POS constantly and as a young girl, hearing those words from someone who would then reassure me that she loved me unconditionally was confusing and disheartening.

Going into my first session I remember I didn’t even look at my therapist. I instead hid behind the couch while he tried to talk with my mother and I about feelings and emotions. After that first session, I saw Dr. Parsons (God bless him) until I left for college in 2013.

This man helped me so much in the department of self-love and freedom of expression. After every session, I felt rejuvenated and like a whole human being again. Sure, I still had depressive episodes and anxiety attacks, but when I did I knew I could talk freely about it with my therapist and not feel judged.

I guess it was the judging part that always made me feel safer with my therapist than with my parents, specifically with my mother.

Even though I actively saw Dr. Parsons, my depression and anxiety did not magically go away. I again still had episodes of despair where I felt hopeless and trapped. I still would get anxiety when someone disagreed with me or if felt that someone didn’t like me. When I talked to my therapist about my ongoing depression and anxiety, I felt fine. When I actively went through the episodes, however, I felt less than and like a failure. I felt that I couldn’t talk about it with my parents because I saw that every time I tried to express myself with them I was met with confusion on their end.

From what I experienced, their confusion stemmed from the thought that since I was going to therapy, I shouldn’t be having all of these episodes.

Looking back on it now, I understand where they were coming from because I too was very distraught every time I felt worthless and abandoned.

Freely talking about my depression and anxiety is making me slowly realize that even with all the help in the world, I will always have these things.

But, weirdly enough, that’s okay.

As of recently, I have been searching for a new therapist who is closer to me so I can freely go to them whenever I need to vent.

I am also learning how to be more open with my parents without being scared of their response. I can only imagine what it must be like having a child be sad and anxious a majority of the time. I know they love me, and I know that the instances that have made me who I am today they (specifically my mother) cannot change.

The only thing left to do now is be open and honest with not just the people around me, but with myself as well.

I know I can’t go through my anxiety and depression alone. I have tried to navigate my life around it by myself throughout college and all it did was make me feel worse.

Honesty is what will ultimately help me in the end. It will help with my understanding of myself, my depression and my anxiety.

I have to be fearless now more than ever and be 100% true to who I am and what I want and what is best for me.

I know that all of this not going to be easy, but it is what needs to be done to move i a forward direction.

I am terrified, because I am so used to hiding from myself. But I can;t do that any longer. I have to face myself and be honest with myself.

Because if I am not honest with myself, who can I ever be honest with?