Well this is going to be a pretty intense blog post, but I believe it is one that needs to be written.
At least, I believe in needs to be out there because it is something that I have been dealing with for so many years and maybe some others have dealt with it to.
Yesterday I was very real with myself and came to the conclusion that I love attention.
But Taylor, everyone loves attention. It's part of being human.
Yes, I do agree that even those who say they "hate attention" still like it to some degree.
With myself I have found that I not only like it, but I crave it.
Like a person addicted to alcohol or food, I am addicted to people's focus being solely on me.
And when I say "people", I mean the male species.
I have tried to wrap my brain around this thought over and over again on why I care so much if a boy is paying attention to me or not.
I am loved immensely by my father and have a huge group of male friends who not only see me as their best friend but also as their sister.
But ever since I started to like boys, I have always felt that I needed to be the center of attention. And when that need is not met, I get depressed.
I wish I was kidding. I physically feel myself getting depressed and outraged if a boy I find cute or like does not show the same interest in me.
I am crying as I write this because it all sounds so foul. I am always the first one to tell my friends that they should always put themselves first and to not worry about what others may think.
But then why don't I take my own advice?
I don't take it for the sole reason that I do not want to appear to be a fraud to my friends. I do not want them thinking that their friend who always gives them life advice cannot take even a sprinkle of her own medicine.
But that needs to change, and it needs to change now.
I think I also wanna take this moment to apologize to the people that I have dated in the past for my outlandish behavior. I am not going to name names, but you know who you are. I apologize for all the grief I would give to you when your attention was not fully on me. It was so selfish on my part and making you feel bad for my selfishness was not okay.
From this day forward, I am going to become a better person not for others, but for myself.
I have said these exact words countless times, but would eventually find myself doing for others when I should have been focusing on myself.
Being honest about this part of myself hurts more than anything, but I know it is what has to be done in order to actually grow and mature myself.
The amount of times I have legitimately cried because a boy I was interested in didn't text me back or respond to a snap I sent is overwhelming and embarrassing. I have to realize that my self-worth means more to me than if a boy has payed attention to me or not.
Everyday I am telling myself that I am worthy of so many things. Everyday is a struggle saying this mantra, but I know it will stick to me at some point.
I am growing for the better. At least, I hope I am. I believe that being honest about these things are what make growth possible. If I cannot be honest with myself about my negative aspects, than how will I ever be upfront and real to my friends and family? Growth needs to start somehwere, and it to me, it starts by being honest about the darkest sides of you.